You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
