does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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