...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
So vagazzling was a success
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
