My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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