Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
