Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
