OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
