have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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