I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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