It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
