At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Randomize
