i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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