Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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