I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
