You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
