Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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