he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
