What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
