I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
