like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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