Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He shit in the fireplace
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