just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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