happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
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