Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
