i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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