I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
