I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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