Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Randomize
