It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Found the puke drawer
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
