but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
