But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
