And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Fuck me I smell like cheese
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
