I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
