New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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