I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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