the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.â€
Randomize
