You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
