I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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