Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
