one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
