It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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