apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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