We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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