so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
