If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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