You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
