Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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