I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
