I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
