UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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