I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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