My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
