i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
