So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
