dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
