Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
