At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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