So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
